i had a dream.

no, this isn't some past tense introduction to Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech.

i had a dream. a good dream, i think. just now as i was sleeping.

do you ever wake up from a dream feeling rejuvinated on a spiritual level? something in the dream comforted you, calmed you, leveled you - almost like a meditation? something that felt familiar-yet maybe not familiar at the same time?

skipping details that only i would care about, there was a man in my dream. he had met me before. and sitting there talking to him made me feel safe and calm. and brave. that feeling was still there when i awoke. he said we had met a year ago. in a dream-world of course. i had forgotten who he was until i remembered him. and i still didn't know him at all. but he knew me.

there was some sort of love happening between us. we were in love with each other. not romantically. i distinctly remember my current boyfriend being in the dream and loving him. but this mysterious man and i had a different kind of love. i felt an overwhelming connection with him. his love for me was so purely unconditional, i can't describe it. almost like a father's, but not.

(our mention of leo was quite sweet, too)

so, who was this man? why did he feel familiar but i could not remember his face? why did he like the same things i like, talk about the same things i talk about, tell me i was couragous, and remember me so well? every word i have ever spoken?

maybe he was my core self. that part of me i havent seen in awhile. maybe he was all the good parts of my subconscious gathering and reminding me they still are alive. that i'm not all toxic yet. that there is something in me worth - well, something. that i can love in myself.

it doesn't make sense, and maybe it was just a stupid dream from my weird brain. but these dreams that i have every now and then, the ones that help me get through another day - i like to think my brain is doing something right. that deep down, i am helping myself. and that maybe there is a part of me still beautiful after all. and that part is worth running into every once in a while. cause that part wants me to survive.

you have to see the good in yourself in order to help yourself. i just got one step closer.