I HAD A FUCKING LUCID DREAM

i did. and i wasnt even trying to. jesus christ. i am at a complete loss for words right now because it was the craziest experience i have ever had.

i dozed off and was aware that i was dreaming. i wake up during sleep paralysis a lot, so i didnt think much of my awareness at first.

then i realized i was dreaming still. and i could control my dream. i forget a lot of it (fucking #*$(#$&*!!!!!) but i remember a pretty good chunk, especially the end.

and i really remember one chunk in the middle, when i was with my friend karen in a ballet studio telling her i was pretty sure i was lucid dreaming. and to test myself i did a bunch of weird/crazy ballet moves i could never do in real life. my body had some weird transparent spotting on it, too. once i realized the control i had, i felt so happy/empowered. a couple of times i felt my eyes starting to open but i told myself to close them cause i didnt want the light to wake me up.

a lot more happened (that i consciously MADE happen), but im skipping to the end. i was at a party. one of my friends convinced me to do something that i ended up regretting. this is where i began to lose the awareness that i was dreaming. this friend's boyfriend followed me into a closet and told me he was disappointed in me and that i knew better than to do this thing i had done. i said i know, im sorry. i began to feel really shitty then i remembered something: what if i was still dreaming? thatd be my way out of this mistake right?

i ask him, is this a dream?
he kind of laughed and said no it was real.
i said no, i think its a dream.
lets test it, he said.
i said okay, kiss me. if its a dream youll do it (cause he has a girlfriend).
he looked at me really slyly and answered, im going to answer both ways, and see if you can figure out which answer is false.

so he said "no im not going to kiss you" and at this point his face melded together and became really fuzzy looking and not human (a little scary) so i figured i was on the right track in thinking it was a dream. then he said "yes im going to kiss you".

then my alarm went off.

and now im just like

!!!!!!!!!

wow.

also theres a lot of physical sensations in your actual body that you try to act out (i could feel myself trying to eat, among other things) but because you are paralyzed everything comes out feeling crazy and a little scary even. and by the time i got to the party i was having a LOT of difficulty using my hands and coordination (it was around this time that i no longer was aware i was dreaming).

but so cool!

enter eternity.

i went to the gym today.

usually i don't like gyms, i like biking but today didnt feel like a day to look at the flowers or feel the wind and enjoy a nice summer day outside. i just wanted like...oblivion.

the gym you can just keep walking and walking and not appreciate anything else (except for ipod/music) or get distracted, you can just stare ahead and walk into oblivion. which was nice, i was craving nothingness. i needed to get to as close to nothing as i could get and the elliptical was that.

usually i consider the elliptical kinda like...pansy...i started jogging like a year ago. but i wanted the smoothness of the elliptical, jogging seemed too hard. and i had a headache and the up down up down of jogging would have worsened it. i have headaches like....daily. pills dont help, water doesnt help, sleep doesnt help, lack of liquor doesnt help. also jogging is hard i cant do it for long, i get tired so easily!

but the gym gave me what i needed.

nothingness. but not emptiness. but not full, either.

it wasnt good, it wasnt bad. just nothing.

my music was good though.